Pam Anderson Roast

Five minutes of Tommy Lee tit-fucking Pam would have covered everything the ninety minutes of jokes did.

Suckin' in L.A.

Did the open-mic at the Comedy Store last night. Good news: they suck in LA, too. Black guys doing black jokes, gay guys doing gay jokes, unfunny guys doing insane meaningless ramblings - it's all here, baby. The sign-up process is totally retarded. People show up two hours early, but then the sign-up guy takes people's word for it as to when they showed. Guys who got there 15 minutes before sign-up made the list. Out of 40 max they choose 15, supposedly at random, yet you have to wait half an hour for this selection process to take place. One guy got up there and said, "I'm an actor, actually..." So what the fuck are you doing here besides eating up a comic's time, you self-centered cunt? Go do some improv. There were 15 comics and, when I went up second, 8 audience members. It had filled up a bit by the time it was over, but not much. The porch is crawling with lunatics and deluded types and talkers, talkers, talkers.

I find it very encouraging. There is no good reason why a funny person who isn't a dick can't take this business by the balls and make a living.

tell me a joke

I emceed the weekly open-mic at Crackers in Broad Ripple last night. I don't think I've seen as many people go up onstage with no jokes before. One guy spent a solid two minutes setting us up with a story about picking up a black midget, asked us all to visualize - if you will - he and his other normal-sized white friend escorting said black midget by the hands to his mini-van then said: "You can probably imagine what happened after that," and went on to the next bit, which also had no punchline. At the end of his set, he left his cowboy hat on the mike for the next guy to find something to do with. At least two others went onstage with long-winded stories that went nowhere. Everyone has to start somewhere, and everyone bombs from time to time, but please, if you're going to get onstage for 5 minutes please for the love of God who does not exist tell one joke.